Women in marriage
By Mrs. Kranthi Samson
When an Indian girl gets married she enters in to a whole new world. Her life changes completely. She now has to fit in to a role of not just a wife but also a daughter in law.
The challenges a married woman faces:
Expectations: The biggest problem that anyone faces is pressure of high expectations. Our expectation on others or others expectation on us. When there is a gap between the expectation and the reality, there can be great disappointments. When the husband does not meet the expectations of a wife, she gets disappointed. Disappointments leads to bitterness and resentment. Woman of God must be very careful how she handles it.
How to handle your Disappointment towards your spouse:
1. Expressing what you desire to the spouse:
Very often people have expectations that the other person is completely unaware of. One has to understand that you and your spouse are from two different families. Your temperaments, backgrounds, culture, values, tastes, hobbies and priorities might be completely different. So expecting your spouse to understand what you want, without expressing it is quite unfair. Communicating your desires, wants and feelings can prevent some disappointments.
The wife must also be careful about how she communicates. Rick warren (preacher and the author of purpose driven life) says if you say something offensively it will be received defensively. In Bible we see the examples of Hannah, Esther and Abigail the remarkable women of God, how well they have expressed in a pleasing and humble way. Most of the problems in our lives come because of the tongue. It is small, but it can either build or break the relationship. Jesus also warned us that we would be accountable for every careless word we speak. Beware of the words you use. Not just the words even the tone and body language also plays a huge role in our communication. Almost 85% of the communication is non-verbal.
The power of words:
A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
---------Author Unknown
Setting realistic expectations
A woman’s expectations have to be realistic. Her expectations should not be influenced by the romantic movies. Life is a lot different from movies. A woman should not have idealistic expectations. Marriage is very complex structure which involves various relationships.
It is better not to have high expectations on the family, she goes into. She has to study the family and act wisely. There would be some differences between a wife, husband and the in-laws. A woman needs Gods wisdom in dealing with the difficulties.
How to handle disappointments
Even when the expectations are communicated and there is no positive response, it is natural that one gets disappointed. But it is very important not to fall into discouragement. We have good new; we can take all our disappointments to God. God heals the broken-hearted Ps 147:3; He heals the broken hearted and binds up the wounds.
He is your healer
There is no wound deep enough that He cannot heal
When we are physically sick we go to a physician. But when our heart is wounded it cannot be healed by a man we cannot heal our hurt by being mentally strong. Time does not heal everything. We are healed only when we give our hurt to God and trust him to heal our hearts.
It takes time, it takes faith. Don’t depend on your feelings. But one day you will know that you have been healed of your hurt and it does not bother you anymore. But have faith that God is able to heal you and that He is willing to bind your broken heart.
In Luke5:12 when a leper says to Jesus “Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean” then Jesus puts us His hand and touched Him saying, “I am willing, be cleansed.” That same Jesus says to us today, that He is willing to heal us. How the Father longs to comfort and heal His children!
When we are hurt, we must not try to deny our hurt. We should not feel embarrassed that we are hurt. We should not become bitter that we are hurt. But rather we should humbly like it to our Healer, Father, Friend and Saviour.
What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer
O what peace we often forfeit
O what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
2. The relationship between Husband and Wife
Gen 2:18
And the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable to him”.
Gen 2:21 And the Lord God caused deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place; Then the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman and He brought her unto the man. And Adam said:
This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh
She shall be called Woman
Because she was taken out of man
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, they shall be one flesh.
Though the man and woman are equal, God has established a design for marriage, making mas as the leader and wife as the helper. This is a perfect design but when Eve and Adam ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, this design has been distorted.
“your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you” Gen 3:16
The word desire (Hebrew: Teshuqah) appears only twice more in the Old Testament (Gen 4:7; where sin longs to have mastery over Cain, Song of Solomon 7:10; where the man longing for his beloved is described.
After the fall, there started a battle between the sexes for dominion. But after Christ came He perfectly modeled the servant leadership in his love for Church.
Ephesians 5:22; Wives submit to your own husbands, as unto the LORD.
3. Woman and in-laws
One of the greatest challenges of marriage is handling in-laws. An Indian married woman is expected to behave according to the cultural standards of the married family.
When the woman is not according the expectations of the in-laws, the woman gets ill-treated. This ill-treatment can range between minor unacceptance to harsh treatment. When the married woman feels that she is unaccepted and she is treated differently than other family members, she feels deep hurt. She feels rejected and dejected. This can also lead to deep depression. When there is pressure from in-laws to act in a certain way in which she is not used to, she can feel oppressed.
A woman need to be strong and wise in how she handles her. In-laws. She needs God’s wisdom, grace and strength. She has to submit in the areas she has to submit and she has to put her foot down in some areas. Neither all submission nor all resistance is right. That’s why we need God’s divine wisdom to discern His voice in the situations and act accordingly.
4. True Identity
We need to have a right perspective about ourselves and the word to have true identity.
Know who you are
Knowing who you are can save you from a lot of mental trauma. We are not made to be a wife, daughter in-law or mother. Though God gives us these roles and expect us to carry out our responsibilities. This is not our identity. We should not try to be a good wife, mother and daughter in-law. Because God does not see us as a wife, mother and daughter in-law. He sees us as Children of God. We ought to be good children of God. I say this because if we try to be good wife, mother and daughter in-law, we can become people pleasers and we fear what people would say about us. But if we see ourselves as God sees us we try to please God and fear God alone. We become slaves to those whom we fear. God alone is our judge. We are his children. A woman of God is a child of God. This is our identity. You might be in a role of a wife, mother, daughter in-law but you are a ‘Child of God’. We are to live as one.
Know how loved you are
You are deeply loved by God. You are desired as a bride by God. You are loved with everlasting love. Don’t look at yourselves through the eyes of man. Look at yourself through the eyes of God. Cherish the love of God for you. Marvel at this love. Rejoice in it. Celebrate it, Drown in it. He sees you as He sees Christ. He loves you as He loves Christ.
Know that God is your judge:
A woman of God needs to always remind herself of her judge though people judge each other continuously there are not the true judges. The real true and just judge is our God.
When a woman’s conscience is right before her true judge, she need not fear or worry about the judgement of others. We are not responsible for other judgements neither we need to be discouraged by it.
When a woman truly acknowledges who her judge is she will not be in fear of man. True love dispels fear, there is no fear in love. 1 John 4:7 there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
5. Know your enemy:
Paul says:
For we do not war against flesh and blood but against principalities against power, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in heavenly places.
Our enemy who is not the flesh and blood. Our enemy is not the person who offends us and hurts us. Our enemy is the devil behind them. He influences the people to hurt us. He wants us to be discouraged, offended and hurt. He wants us to focus only on ourselves, one hurts and our problems, thereby making us dwell in self-pity and become useless for God.
He does not want us to enjoy Gods love. He wants us to be resentful, bitter and unforgiving.
Remember what Jesus has said “He who does not forgive the sins of others, My Father also will not forgive his sins, if He can keep us form forgiving a person He can keep us from the eternal life. So take unforgiveness very seriously.
One of the schemes of devil is to pump up our ego and make us prideful.
When we are prideful we cannot forgive others. We only think about ourselves. We feel justified about our unforgiveness. We become very big in our eyes and others very small.
Beware that downfall of lucifer is because of this pride. He also wants us to fall like him.
That is the very reason that he continuously reminds us of past hurts.
How to overcome pride
The antidote of pride is humility. We need to examine that if there are any problems in our life because of the pride of our heart.
Pride promotes strife. James 4:1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?
James 4:6-10 But He gives more grace, therefore he says:
“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to you. Cleanse your hearts, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded. Lament and mourn and weep, let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up.”
How to be humble:
Living under the shadow of the Cross. “Realize what is our true state without the blood of Christ. Acknowledge, how sinful we are. There is nothing good in the flesh. We are only good because of Christ without Christ there is nothing good in us. Becoming nothing in our own eyes makes us humble.
Always remaining under the shadow of the cross and at the foot of the cross keeps us grounded and humble. It also makes us faithful to what God has done.
6. Realising that we are unprofitable servants
Luke 17:7 And which of you having a servant ploughing or tending sheep will say to him when he has come in from the field come at once and sit down to eat? But will he not rather say to him prepare something for my supper and gird yourself and serve me till I have eaten and drunk, and afterward you will eat and drink?
Does he thank the servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not. So likewise you when you have done all those things which you are commanded say we are unprofitable servants we have done what was our duty to do.
When we have this attitude of being an unprofitable servant, we do not expect any appreciation from others and we do not get hurt. When we are not appreciated.
One who loses his life will find life. Unless we lay down ourselves we cannot enjoy the fulness of life. May we ask God to give us the sweet self-forgetfulness.
Your maker is your husband
When a woman feels she is not loved, cared for or respected by her husband; she feels deep discontentment in life. No worldly possession can fill the void in her heart. No matter how successful she is in her career, this does not make up for the love she is not receiving from her husband. But the good news is that God is our husband. He can fill us with love that can overflow. He can comfort us. There is no trail beyond His comfort. We only need to go to him for this comfort.
Isaiah 54:5
“For your maker is your husband.
The Lord of hosts is His name;
And your redeemer is the Holy one of Israel.
He is called the God of whole earth.
For the Lord has called you
like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
like a youthful wife when you were refused” says your God.
God is your husband. He loves you with everlasting love. As believers are to be prepared as bride for the bridegroom. God is our bridegroom. He rejoices over you. Rejoice in your bridegroom, Know that you are greatly desired by your maker, who is your bridegroom, and who is your husband. You are not a woman forsaken but greatly loved by the king of kings and the Lord of Lords. Know your value and worth in the eyes of your maker.
As God, He also knows your needs and feelings. Submit your husband into His hands and rest in Him. Ask God to give your husband a new heart and love for you. Meanwhile you continue to respect and submit to your earthly husband.
7. Women respect your husband
As a woman longs for love, man longs for respect. When a man feels disrespected he tends to withdraw from his wife. The wife feels that she is no longer loved when the man withdraws from her. To express her frustration, she increases the criticism of her husband and the husband feels more disrespected. This becomes a vicious cycle.
As a woman of God, we ought to respect our husbands. It is very difficult to respect husband when a wife feels unloved. But a woman honours God, when she submits to the word of God. When we live according to the word of God contrary to the feelings we please God. You are a true child of God when you obey His word. You also set Godly example to your children.
Prayer: Lord help me to be a true child of God. May I honour you, by honouring your word. Amen
The challenges a married woman faces:
Expectations: The biggest problem that anyone faces is pressure of high expectations. Our expectation on others or others expectation on us. When there is a gap between the expectation and the reality, there can be great disappointments. When the husband does not meet the expectations of a wife, she gets disappointed. Disappointments leads to bitterness and resentment. Woman of God must be very careful how she handles it.
How to handle your Disappointment towards your spouse:
1. Expressing what you desire to the spouse:
Very often people have expectations that the other person is completely unaware of. One has to understand that you and your spouse are from two different families. Your temperaments, backgrounds, culture, values, tastes, hobbies and priorities might be completely different. So expecting your spouse to understand what you want, without expressing it is quite unfair. Communicating your desires, wants and feelings can prevent some disappointments.
The wife must also be careful about how she communicates. Rick warren (preacher and the author of purpose driven life) says if you say something offensively it will be received defensively. In Bible we see the examples of Hannah, Esther and Abigail the remarkable women of God, how well they have expressed in a pleasing and humble way. Most of the problems in our lives come because of the tongue. It is small, but it can either build or break the relationship. Jesus also warned us that we would be accountable for every careless word we speak. Beware of the words you use. Not just the words even the tone and body language also plays a huge role in our communication. Almost 85% of the communication is non-verbal.
The power of words:
A careless word may kindle strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A bitter word may hate instill;
A brutal word may smite and kill.
A gracious word may smooth the way;
A joyous word may light the day.
A timely word may lessen stress;
A loving word may heal and bless.
---------Author Unknown
Setting realistic expectations
A woman’s expectations have to be realistic. Her expectations should not be influenced by the romantic movies. Life is a lot different from movies. A woman should not have idealistic expectations. Marriage is very complex structure which involves various relationships.
It is better not to have high expectations on the family, she goes into. She has to study the family and act wisely. There would be some differences between a wife, husband and the in-laws. A woman needs Gods wisdom in dealing with the difficulties.
How to handle disappointments
Even when the expectations are communicated and there is no positive response, it is natural that one gets disappointed. But it is very important not to fall into discouragement. We have good new; we can take all our disappointments to God. God heals the broken-hearted Ps 147:3; He heals the broken hearted and binds up the wounds.
He is your healer
There is no wound deep enough that He cannot heal
When we are physically sick we go to a physician. But when our heart is wounded it cannot be healed by a man we cannot heal our hurt by being mentally strong. Time does not heal everything. We are healed only when we give our hurt to God and trust him to heal our hearts.
It takes time, it takes faith. Don’t depend on your feelings. But one day you will know that you have been healed of your hurt and it does not bother you anymore. But have faith that God is able to heal you and that He is willing to bind your broken heart.
In Luke5:12 when a leper says to Jesus “Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean” then Jesus puts us His hand and touched Him saying, “I am willing, be cleansed.” That same Jesus says to us today, that He is willing to heal us. How the Father longs to comfort and heal His children!
When we are hurt, we must not try to deny our hurt. We should not feel embarrassed that we are hurt. We should not become bitter that we are hurt. But rather we should humbly like it to our Healer, Father, Friend and Saviour.
What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer
O what peace we often forfeit
O what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
2. The relationship between Husband and Wife
Gen 2:18
And the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable to him”.
Gen 2:21 And the Lord God caused deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place; Then the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman and He brought her unto the man. And Adam said:
This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh
She shall be called Woman
Because she was taken out of man
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, they shall be one flesh.
Though the man and woman are equal, God has established a design for marriage, making mas as the leader and wife as the helper. This is a perfect design but when Eve and Adam ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil, this design has been distorted.
“your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you” Gen 3:16
The word desire (Hebrew: Teshuqah) appears only twice more in the Old Testament (Gen 4:7; where sin longs to have mastery over Cain, Song of Solomon 7:10; where the man longing for his beloved is described.
After the fall, there started a battle between the sexes for dominion. But after Christ came He perfectly modeled the servant leadership in his love for Church.
Ephesians 5:22; Wives submit to your own husbands, as unto the LORD.
3. Woman and in-laws
One of the greatest challenges of marriage is handling in-laws. An Indian married woman is expected to behave according to the cultural standards of the married family.
When the woman is not according the expectations of the in-laws, the woman gets ill-treated. This ill-treatment can range between minor unacceptance to harsh treatment. When the married woman feels that she is unaccepted and she is treated differently than other family members, she feels deep hurt. She feels rejected and dejected. This can also lead to deep depression. When there is pressure from in-laws to act in a certain way in which she is not used to, she can feel oppressed.
A woman need to be strong and wise in how she handles her. In-laws. She needs God’s wisdom, grace and strength. She has to submit in the areas she has to submit and she has to put her foot down in some areas. Neither all submission nor all resistance is right. That’s why we need God’s divine wisdom to discern His voice in the situations and act accordingly.
4. True Identity
We need to have a right perspective about ourselves and the word to have true identity.
Know who you are
Knowing who you are can save you from a lot of mental trauma. We are not made to be a wife, daughter in-law or mother. Though God gives us these roles and expect us to carry out our responsibilities. This is not our identity. We should not try to be a good wife, mother and daughter in-law. Because God does not see us as a wife, mother and daughter in-law. He sees us as Children of God. We ought to be good children of God. I say this because if we try to be good wife, mother and daughter in-law, we can become people pleasers and we fear what people would say about us. But if we see ourselves as God sees us we try to please God and fear God alone. We become slaves to those whom we fear. God alone is our judge. We are his children. A woman of God is a child of God. This is our identity. You might be in a role of a wife, mother, daughter in-law but you are a ‘Child of God’. We are to live as one.
Know how loved you are
You are deeply loved by God. You are desired as a bride by God. You are loved with everlasting love. Don’t look at yourselves through the eyes of man. Look at yourself through the eyes of God. Cherish the love of God for you. Marvel at this love. Rejoice in it. Celebrate it, Drown in it. He sees you as He sees Christ. He loves you as He loves Christ.
Know that God is your judge:
A woman of God needs to always remind herself of her judge though people judge each other continuously there are not the true judges. The real true and just judge is our God.
When a woman’s conscience is right before her true judge, she need not fear or worry about the judgement of others. We are not responsible for other judgements neither we need to be discouraged by it.
When a woman truly acknowledges who her judge is she will not be in fear of man. True love dispels fear, there is no fear in love. 1 John 4:7 there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
5. Know your enemy:
Paul says:
For we do not war against flesh and blood but against principalities against power, against the rulers of darkness of this age, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in heavenly places.
Our enemy who is not the flesh and blood. Our enemy is not the person who offends us and hurts us. Our enemy is the devil behind them. He influences the people to hurt us. He wants us to be discouraged, offended and hurt. He wants us to focus only on ourselves, one hurts and our problems, thereby making us dwell in self-pity and become useless for God.
He does not want us to enjoy Gods love. He wants us to be resentful, bitter and unforgiving.
Remember what Jesus has said “He who does not forgive the sins of others, My Father also will not forgive his sins, if He can keep us form forgiving a person He can keep us from the eternal life. So take unforgiveness very seriously.
One of the schemes of devil is to pump up our ego and make us prideful.
When we are prideful we cannot forgive others. We only think about ourselves. We feel justified about our unforgiveness. We become very big in our eyes and others very small.
Beware that downfall of lucifer is because of this pride. He also wants us to fall like him.
That is the very reason that he continuously reminds us of past hurts.
How to overcome pride
The antidote of pride is humility. We need to examine that if there are any problems in our life because of the pride of our heart.
Pride promotes strife. James 4:1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?
James 4:6-10 But He gives more grace, therefore he says:
“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to you. Cleanse your hearts, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded. Lament and mourn and weep, let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up.”
How to be humble:
Living under the shadow of the Cross. “Realize what is our true state without the blood of Christ. Acknowledge, how sinful we are. There is nothing good in the flesh. We are only good because of Christ without Christ there is nothing good in us. Becoming nothing in our own eyes makes us humble.
Always remaining under the shadow of the cross and at the foot of the cross keeps us grounded and humble. It also makes us faithful to what God has done.
6. Realising that we are unprofitable servants
Luke 17:7 And which of you having a servant ploughing or tending sheep will say to him when he has come in from the field come at once and sit down to eat? But will he not rather say to him prepare something for my supper and gird yourself and serve me till I have eaten and drunk, and afterward you will eat and drink?
Does he thank the servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I think not. So likewise you when you have done all those things which you are commanded say we are unprofitable servants we have done what was our duty to do.
When we have this attitude of being an unprofitable servant, we do not expect any appreciation from others and we do not get hurt. When we are not appreciated.
One who loses his life will find life. Unless we lay down ourselves we cannot enjoy the fulness of life. May we ask God to give us the sweet self-forgetfulness.
Your maker is your husband
When a woman feels she is not loved, cared for or respected by her husband; she feels deep discontentment in life. No worldly possession can fill the void in her heart. No matter how successful she is in her career, this does not make up for the love she is not receiving from her husband. But the good news is that God is our husband. He can fill us with love that can overflow. He can comfort us. There is no trail beyond His comfort. We only need to go to him for this comfort.
Isaiah 54:5
“For your maker is your husband.
The Lord of hosts is His name;
And your redeemer is the Holy one of Israel.
He is called the God of whole earth.
For the Lord has called you
like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
like a youthful wife when you were refused” says your God.
God is your husband. He loves you with everlasting love. As believers are to be prepared as bride for the bridegroom. God is our bridegroom. He rejoices over you. Rejoice in your bridegroom, Know that you are greatly desired by your maker, who is your bridegroom, and who is your husband. You are not a woman forsaken but greatly loved by the king of kings and the Lord of Lords. Know your value and worth in the eyes of your maker.
As God, He also knows your needs and feelings. Submit your husband into His hands and rest in Him. Ask God to give your husband a new heart and love for you. Meanwhile you continue to respect and submit to your earthly husband.
7. Women respect your husband
As a woman longs for love, man longs for respect. When a man feels disrespected he tends to withdraw from his wife. The wife feels that she is no longer loved when the man withdraws from her. To express her frustration, she increases the criticism of her husband and the husband feels more disrespected. This becomes a vicious cycle.
As a woman of God, we ought to respect our husbands. It is very difficult to respect husband when a wife feels unloved. But a woman honours God, when she submits to the word of God. When we live according to the word of God contrary to the feelings we please God. You are a true child of God when you obey His word. You also set Godly example to your children.
Prayer: Lord help me to be a true child of God. May I honour you, by honouring your word. Amen